Foster Care: Another Side of Childhood
Document Author: Karen L. Kobela, MS, MCW, Coordinator, Children in Placement, Inc, Plainville, CT
Reprinted From: 1994 National CASA Association Conference, Presentation Materials
 Objectives
Belonging and Separateness
Trust
Lessons of Abuse
Abused and Neglected Children May:
Self-concept and Self-esteem
When the Child in Placement becomes an Adult
Make a Difference for Foster and Adoptive Children
CASA Volunteers make a Difference
Objectives
1) to recognize the importance of permanent care arrangements for children from dysfunctional families
2) to gain some understanding of the feelings, emotions, emotional investment of children in placement and the emotional consequences of abuse and neglect
3) to understand the unpredictability of foster care and the long-term effects of multiple placements
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Notes to Remember
"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?"
George Eliot
"Mankind owes to the child the best it has to give."
1979 United Nations Declaration of the Rights of the Child
For too many children their homes are more deadly and violent than the streets. They experience daily such things as:
* Abandonment * Poor nutrition and hygiene * Lack of supervision * Lack of clothing or inadequate shelter * Ineffective discipline * Physical, sexual and emotional abuse
So it is understandable why many children:
* Lack social and cognitive skills, have learning disabilities and low intelligence * Have difficulty expressing emotions other than anger, avoid emotional contact and have emotional disorders * Have trouble with relationships, have language delays * Are self-abusive * Lack self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence
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Belonging and Separateness
Anthony Storr in his book, "The World of Children" wrote, "How ignominious it is to be a child. To be so small that you can be picked up, and moved about at the whim of others. To be fed or not to be fed. To be cleaned or to be left dirty. Made happy or left to cry. It's surely so ultimate an indignity that it's not surprising that some of us never fully recover from it."
All children have two basic needs.
1) TO BELONG, to have roots, to connect, to be regarded as valued and as if you have impact, to be regarded as worthwhile, lovable and to fit in, to have important information about identity and ethnicity.
"Until he establishes roots in his present relationships we need to protect his roots to the past, no matter how deformed they may be, for without roots the child will die of emotional starvation."
Dr. Ner Litner, 1975
2) TO BE SEPARATE FROM OTHER PEOPLE, to stand on their own two feet, to have wings, to have a sense of self direction, to be able to make competent, skilled choices, to be accepted, to have permission to make mistakes and to have self-confidence.
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TRUST
Children trust those who:
1) they decide to trust right away or decide right away that they will eventually be able to trust.
2) are simple, go slow and break down what they are talking about into simple steps.
3) have mastered the skill of "preview" - telling what's going to happen before it does.
4) give them some control over what happens, gives them choices, gives them respect.
5) make mistakes themselves and permits children to make mistakes but still cares about them regardless.
6) care about what they care about.
7) don't lie to them, who don't surprise them in ways that would humiliate or embarrass them.
8) trust them, those who ask what THEY think.
9) do things they don't have to, and are sensitive to the needs of others.
10) listen to them.
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Childhood should be a time of no-risk dependency.
Every child needs a relationship with at least one other person who is nurturing and consistently available in order to reach adulthood without extraordinary difficulties.
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LESSONS OF ABUSE
Abused and neglected children learn that:
1) People who love you, hurt you.
Children who begin to feel cared for may expect to be hurt again, and this will make them feel afraid.
2) Their love is not worthy.
Children learn to feel worthless and suffer from low self-esteem.
It's important to remember that no matter what's happened, abuse has the comfort of familiarity; it has been all they know. Many feel scared of non-abusive situations because they don't know where they stand. After a while children may try to provoke abuse because that is the response they know best.
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ABUSED AND NEGLECTED CHILDREN MAY:
* be watchful, jumpy, nervous, afraid of getting hurt, angry and hostile
* hold back, are not spontaneous in play or conversation, act out
* feel different, either because they have been abused or because they are in foster care and they find it difficult to mix with other children or adults
* act younger or older than they are
* have learning disabilities, speech problems, memory delays, hearing or vision problems or other physical problems related to the abuse they suffered, experience educational failure
* show little or no reaction to punishment - little or no behavioral change
* have a tendency toward lying and cheating, destroy their own and other's things and be easily victimized
* be inaccessible to others, lack the capacity for guilt or compassion, repress feelings, be secretive
Abuse is something that happens to you, it is not who you are.
Unless they can be glad about being the child they are, they can never truly be glad to be the adult they will become.
We must give children reasons to say, "I am worth more than the way I was treated."
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SELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem is the basis for positive growth in human relations, learning, creativity and personal responsibility.
At every stage of a child's life, his self-esteem determines the degree to which he can use the personal resources and potential he was born with.
Self-esteem is a feeling that always expresses itself in the way people act.
Self-concept is a "theory", a set of ideas that a child or adult has about himself or herself. Selfconcept can often be reported - a child can say what he believes about himself. Feelings - self-esteem - is not so easy to talk about.
A child is entitled to positive messages from adults. How adults talk to children will help them to know how they should feel about themselves. Adult's statements effect self-esteem and self-worth. To a large extent the way adults talk to children determines a child's destiny.
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WHEN THE CHILD IN PLACEMENT BECOMES AN ADULT
Life is never the same after being abused, neglected and placed away from home.
Those who survive seem to find a reason to fight back rather than give up. Survival depends upon a child's ability to suspend feelings in favor of taking steps to ensure safety.
It will be these long term emotional effects of abuse and neglect that will be at the core of the problems that plague the child when he or she becomes an adult.
As childhood ends, early adulthood often begins with a profile of some or all of the following:
* indifference to others
* verbal inaccessibility to their own children and mates
* confusion about priorities
* lack of insight about needs-their own and their children's
* teenage motherhood, fatherhood and single heads of household
* economic stress
* emotional and social isolation
* non-resourceful for others
* capacities for committing serious crimes and a tendency to join gangs or cults
* poor judgment regarding choice of mate and may match-up with another adult with personality disturbance
* inability to maintain a useful or productive work life
* a strong need for re-parenting
* tendency toward self-destructive behavior, alcohol and drug use or abuse
* foster care placement for their children
* inability to structure days and nights
* anger or hostility
* little guilt or remorse for their behaviors
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MAKE A DIFFERENCE For Foster and Adoptive Children
• Remember foster care is about children FIRST
• Never underestimate your ability to make a difference
• Make every effort to be readily accessible to everyone and engage in open and trusting relationships
• Share Information needs and expectations honestly and clearly with each team member
• Advocate for speedy court resolution and permanency plans
• Be respectful to team members, biological parents and children
• Develop partnerships with all professionals
• Network with team members through support and advocacy
• Work towards a common goal for the CHILD
• Remember that, FOR A CHILD, time is of the essence
• Value and respect each member's ability, time and commitment
• Seek out and be receptive to the ideas, suggestions and opinion of others
• Begin a Life Book on the child's first day in foster care
• Be open and honest with children regardless of their age
• Practice daily the ten elements of trust
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CASA VOLUNTEERS MAKE A DIFFERENCE EVERY DAY FOR KIDS
I'm Special
(Source Unknown)
I'm special. In all the world there's nobody like me. Since the beginning of time, there has never been another person like me. Nobody has my smile. Nobody has my nose, my hands, my voice. I'm special.
No one can be found who has my handwriting.
Nobody anywhere has my tastes for food or music or art. No one sees things just as I do.
In all of time there's been no one who laughs like me, no one who cries like me. And what makes me laugh or cry will never provoke identical laughter or tears from anybody else, ever.
No one reacts to any situation just as I would react. I'm special.
I'm the only one in all of creation who has my set of abilities and feelings. Like a room full of musical instruments, some may excel alone, but none can match the symphony sound when all are played together.
Through all of eternity no one will ever look, talk, walk, think or do like me. I'm special. I'm rare.
And in all rarity there is great value.
Because of my great rare value, I need not attempt to imitate others. I will accept - yes, celebrate differences.
I'm special. And I'm beginning to realize it's no accident that I'm special. I'm beginning to see that God made me special for a very special purpose. He must have a job for me to do that no one else can do as well as I. Out of all the billions of applicants, only one is qualified, only one has the right combination of what it takes.
That one is me. Because . . . . . . . .I’m special.
FOSTER CARE: ANOTHER SIDE OF CHILDHOOD (Karen L. Kobela ? 1993)
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